Some girls are bigger than others

Christ, the days go by slowly. I'm not starting work until monday, which is all hunky dorey, but when i was expecting a full rush from day one even just one morning too much watching morning-rain alone to the sound of people-who-refuses-to-wake-up-and-spend-time-with me leaves me walking around myself like a wounded animal. I have these days. I want to do something with them! Espessially now that i am in a state where i can actually be up and walking.

And i desperately need to work out. Which should sound easy being back home, but i don't have a gym now, and i don't know where to go with whome. I am gaining _alot_ of weight, and i don't now if it's the thyreoditis showing it's ugly face again or the patch, me almost not smoking anymore or me actually getting better and my lifestyle catching up on me in it. Either way, i really wanted to gain some, it suits me better, but i never actually want what i want and now i am terribly unhappy and feel like my every move is being handicapped by bodymass i don't know how to control. Whining about it in real life is useless, because i'm not exactly a dancer anymore, and so i don't really know anyone who could relate, espessially when i've been away for a year and most of my friends here have just seen me at certian times of my life and don't know what's natural to me. Noone likes non-fat people who whine about their bodies, but well, i hate mine more than i have done in many years. I think that if you have that in you, the ability to really despise the way you look, it can so easily catch up on you and eat you up and turn you into one of those shallow people you really don't want to be. It's like a desease, you have to fight hard to keep your perspective. Your body doesn't matter as ong as it gets you where you need to be! It's not cool being a perfectionist. I can't remember the last time i was genuinely happy with myself, and seriously bleeping up a year of studies hasn't exactly helped my sense of self. Maybe it's those years of being told i was shit every day. Which in which case, would be a terribly pathetic thing to still clutch on to after all this time. I like to think i'm beyond that, that those things are small stuff compared to what i've lived after, infact i Do think they are, but i have to wonder why i can't internalise my general view of what's important onto myself.

I.Just.Want.To.Travel. When i can take off and go i am liberated from all of that. From the small-town mentality that's inheret in me and the need to keep my image intact. And maybe i am escaping, it could be that i am not bigger of a person than that, when i feel like i am doing something right when i end an era and move to something new and promising. Being here scares me. I have a name here, i don't have anything exotic (apart from my experiences in life which aren't too average anywhere, but they aren't visible) i don't have anything too different, i have history which people judge. I carry all my failures on my body. I don't even have a pretty face here, although i never really needed it to et what i want from life.

So it's a money-issue. And a matter of responsibility. Needing to do the right thing, which is a damn cursed and time-consuming feeling. I am looking foreward to going back to work. I love my job, but it's also extremely stressful, both physically and mentally and i guess there is a part of me that is scared that i will have to let that go too, that my illness will catch up with me even if i tell myself to keep going. So i will do this for a few months. Pay down some debt, take some classes, learn something, se what the superiour system can do for me this time. Yes. I am one bad revolutionist. Catch me i am falling.

Some people have asked me about my blog-titles. They are song-lyrics or titles, mostly, and if you don't recognize them, you can probably goodle them and find out where i was feeling when i wrote these words. "Some girls are bigger than others, some girls are bigger than others," and he goes as if making one word "some girls' -mothers are bigger than other girls' mothers" and he makes it sound like he's saying "smuthers" Today, like so many other days, The Smiths (the queen is dead) are featured, and although to the point, should let you know that i have a sarcastic view on my own whining. In case you didn't realise (in which case i have to ask; Why the hell are you still reading?)

Norway has more colours than any place i have ever seen. Not just the people of Bergen. It overwhelmed me the second that plane was coming down, over the spring, in the norwegian sun and i thought to myself that it's the greenest place i've ever known, with the bluest sky and the way the colours brake together on sunny days can't be re-told. They say Ireland is the greenest place in the world. I can't wait til the day i can go see it. Nothing beats lying in green grass with a book and fresh fruit under the sun. (well perhaps the second when you realise you can warm your frozen feet on someone who'se asleep, or the following; when you move them to a new spot of skin because the pervious one had gotten cold too.)

Some girls smuthers...